1st: Egypt Eagles (Abdel): 2-0
Last Week: 2nd(+1)
Result: W vs. Marlin Olsen Twins (176.64-120.42)
Total Points: 367.02(1st)
Current Streak: W2
-We’re only two weeks into the season, but the Egypt Eagles are starting off looking like the team to beat, after dismantling Marlin Olsen Twins the whole day long. They are winning their outings by an average margin of 59.56 and leading the league in points, by far. There were no flops this week with Stephen Gostkowski kicking his way to 7 points and the LA Charger’s defense getting 8 being the lowest points for this showing. Otherwise, the other nine reached double figures, including four players eclipsing the 20 point mark in RBs Saquon Barkley(21.0) and Austin Ekeler(20.3), while TE Mark Andrews dropped 21.2. Of course, we can’t forget the fearless leader Lamar Jackson(30.88) looking like an early MVP candidate. The season is young, but Egypt Eagles have started it off exactly how they were supposed to. They will look to keep their hot start going against the second leader in points this upcoming week.
Next Week: @ Squires (+8.0)

2nd: Ball Fondlers (JHalc): 2-0
Last Week: 4th(+2)
Result: W vs. Squires (147.48-141.90)
Total Points: 277.76(4th)
Current Streak: W2
-After a nail-biter in week one, Ball Fondlers got the job done with the tightest game of the week for the second week in a row. They’ve only won their match-ups by an average of 4.22 points, but all that matters is that they are 2-0. Squires had a late-game effort, but Ball Fondlers kept their composure to hold them off for the win. Leading the way for Ball Fondlers was both the Patriots’ offense and defense, as QB Tom Brady(24.66) laughs in the face of old age while the defense… hold on… scored 37.0?! Hope those draft picks are worth it, Miami. QB Jared Goff(19.12) also contributed well, while Michael Thomas(13.9) did his job. There were a few disappointments, however. Alvin Kamara(6.5) had a total dud by his standards. Harrison Butker(4) kicked well, but the Chiefs were more interested in touchdowns than field goals. And Sammy Watkins(7.9) was not bad, but came back to earth after an obscene performance last week. Ball Fondlers will try to go 3-0, hosting a match-up against a team looking for a new QB.
Next Week: vs. 6969 Rock Fucks (-21.0)

3rd: Squires (Caleb): 1-1
Last Week: 3rd(EVEN)
Result: L vs. Ball Fondlers (141.90-147.48)
Total Points: 327.66(2nd)
Current Streak: L1
-After an impressive opening weekend, Squires could not reach that same energy as they could not get the job done against Ball Fondlers. Le’Veon Bell(15.9) made it interesting down the stretch, but literally fumbled away an opportunity to capture the victory. This week’s team captains go to the pair of QBs in Matt Ryan(19.1) and Russell Wilson(24.2), as well as the ever-reliable TE Travis Kelce(20.2). Outside of them, a majority of the team could not live up to expectations, including a gut-wrenching 6.3 points from Christian McCaffrey who set the league on fire just one week ago. Chicago’s defense(5) also choked down the stretch, allowing the Broncos to score a touchdown and shave some points off with less than a minute of game time. A tough loss for Squires, who won’t get any easier this upcoming week as they host the league's current #1 team
Next Week: vs. Egypt Eagles (-8.0)

4th: 6969 Rock Fucks(Snoopz): 1-1
Last Week: 1st(-3)
Result: L vs. The Arm (122.94-149.62)
Total Points: 319.74(3rd)
Current Streak: L1
-It was a massively disappointing week for the 6969 Rock Fucks, regressing by 73.86 points from the world-beating performance they put out in week one, losing rather handily to The Arm. Things may have been interesting if not for an early injury to QB Drew Brees(-0.48), but it still would have been an uphill battle. QB1 Patrick Mahomes(31.62) dazzled again, as he has for over a year straight, and RB Dalvin Cook(26.6) has continued to be Minnesota’s entire offense. After Derrick Henry’s 16.3 point outing, things started getting rocky. Only John Brown broke the double digit barrier at 10.7, while five team members posted between 6.0-7.2. Drew Brees is set to miss time and that is a huge blow to this team. Hopefully whoever replaces him can step up, as next week poses a daunting match-up against a 2-0 foe.
Next Week: @ Ball Fondlers (+21.0)

5th: The Arm (Ian): 1-1
Last Week: 7th(+2)
Result: W vs. 6969 Rock Fucks 149.62-122.94)
Total Points: 277.04(5th)
Current Streak: W1
-Following a tough-fought loss in week 1, The Arm realized that adjustments needed to be made and fulfilled that realization. They took care of business against the 6969 Rock Fucks. In a shocking turn of events, the biggest duds of the week were TE George Kittle(6.9) and Baltimore’s defense(4.0), two usually top-notch options. If you’re going to overcome them having lackluster performances, The Arm figures out the formula; it is to have five of your players come away with at least 15 points. Julio Jones(25.1) played wonderfully in this one, while the QB tandem of Carson Wentz(17.54) and Jimmy Garoppolo(22.68) did helped out as well. And don’t forget RB Ezekiel Elliott chipping in 19.0. The Arm will try to build a hot streak against another team that just won this last week.
Next Week: vs. Los Cool Arrows (-3.5)

6th: Los Cool Arrows (Mexi): 1-1
Last Week: 6th(EVEN)
Result: W vs. Rainfakers (143.78-117.08)
Total Points: 271.26(6th)
Current Streak: W1
-Coming back from an opening-season blowout, Los Cool Arrows bounced back to take down Rainfakers comfortably. They were originally criticized for lack of consistency, so Los Cool Arrows scoffed at that notion and posted the most consistent performance of the week. Only WR Kenny Golladay(21.7) and Josh Allen(22.22) cracked the 20-point barrier, but RB David Johnson(7.9) was the lowest score which, while not great for him personally, is great as a worst performance. Everybody else, to be frank, was so average that they’re not even worth mentioning; which isn’t even a bad thing. Nobody sunk the ship this week. They’ll be attempting to capture another win against a team who posted a similar points total this week.
Next Week: @ The Arm (+3.5)

7th: Rainfakers (TJ): 0-2
Last Week: 5th(-2)
Result: L vs. Los Cool Arrows (117.08-143.78)
Total Points: 269.12(7th)
Current Streak: L2
-This has not been a desirable start for Rainfakers. Two weeks into the season, and they don’t have a win to show for it yet, and took a major step back with the lowest point total of the week in their loss to Los Cool Arrows. It was an all-around underwhelming outing, as lead scorer QB Aaron Rodgers could only muster a 14.36 point showing; not good for the team leader. 6 others cracked the double-digit barrier, including Keenan Allen(13.8), Cleveland’s defense(13.0), and kicker Will Lutz(12.0). Joe Mixon had an awful showing for the second week in a row, managing only 4.2 points, and nobody else took it upon themselves to make up for the uninspiring performance. This was not a good showing at all for Rainfakers, who get a more favorable match-up in a battle of the winless teams this upcoming week.
Next Week: vs. Marlin Olsen Twins (-1.0)

8th: Marlin Olsen Twins (Saintpat): 0-2
Last Week: 8th(EVEN)
Result: L vs. Egypt Eagles (120.42-176.64)
Total Points: 216.42(8th)
Current Streak: L2
-The offense showed improvement this week, but was once again trampled by an offensive onslaught, this time at the hands of Egypt Eagles. Marlin Olsen Twins have compiled an 0-2 start, losing by an average of 72.99. That is bad. Very bad. Can it get worse? Of course it could, but that would have to be if, say, QB Big Ben(3.0) got a season-ending injury and the other QB Cam Newton(11.32) looked like he was hurting also. Wait…. What’s that? Oh dear. Uhhhhh. This is starting to look ugly for Marlin Olsen Twins. In addition to the awful quarterback situation, OJ Howard refused to contribute a point to this team, and the Lions only asked Matt Prater to kick one PAT for them. But there were bright spots. Odell Beckham Jr.(25.1) had a huge 89-yard TD, Nick Chubb(17.8) acted as a workhorse, and a few other players performed admirably as well. Sadly, the future is not boding well with the quarterback injuries. Next week is a must win for this team, against the only other 0-2 team, and falling to 0-3 could make this a lost season for Marlin Olsen Twins.
Next Week: @ Rainfakers (+1.0)

"but rather handily to The Arm"

Nice