I was gonna review WrestleMania 24, but as I told Razor, Chrome decided to refresh mid-way through it and I lost the review. >_> So, I've decided to type all of my reviews on Microsoft Word now.
Fuck yeah, TV-14! Huh, the one girl from Destiny's Child that nobody remembers is doing America, The Beautiful. Couldn't spring for Beyonce or even Kelly, WWE? WrestleMania video package showing old moments from WrestleManias. Shinedown's "I Dare You" playing. Good song. Now it's showing bits of the 2006 rivalries leading to this WM and a song I don't know is playing. It's more loud and yelly than the other one. Seems we got HHH vs. John Cena, Vince vs. Shawn Michaels, Mark Henry vs. Taker and Kurt Angle vs. Randy Orton vs. Rey Mysterio to look forward to. Excellent.
Carlito & Chris Masters vs. The Big Show & Kane © – World Tag Team Championships
Kane and Chris starting off. O_o Kane just channeling his inner Big E. Langston and fucking leap frogging over Chris, followed by a Dropkick. Tag to Big Show. Some frying pan chops to Masters' chest. Tag to Carlito and the crowd actually popped big. Carlito chant. <3 Big Show lifts Carlito up and drops him groin-first on the top rope. Big Show then starts bouncing the top rope up and down. Masters tries to attack him but Big Show Big Boots him. Military Press Slam to Chris. Chris rolls out of the ring and Big Show Military Press lifts Carlito before tossing him out of the ring, onto Chris. Diving Clothesline from both men by Kane to the outside. Big Show tosses Carlito back into the ring. Big Show runs at Carlito, but Carlito Dropkicks him in the leg. Him and Masters then do a Flapjack to Big Show. The powaaaah! At some point, the top turnbuckle pad was removed and when Carlito Dropkicked Big Show in the leg, he went head-first into the exposed steel. They showed a replay of when the turnbuckle pad was removed. Apparently Carlito did it while Masters and Big Show were in the ring, nonchalant as fuck. Double Suplex attempt by Carlito and Chris, but Big Show reverses, Suplexing both of them. Tag to Kane, who comes in killing both opponents. Kane climbing the turnbuckle again. Masters reverses the diving Clothesline into the Master Lock. Very nice transition. Big Show Big Boots Masters to break the hold. The crowd actually boos. Back Stabber to Kane. Big Show goes to Chokeslam Carlito, but Masters Chop Blocks him. Kane sits up. He tries to Double Chokeslam both opponents, but they fight out of it. Kane fighting back, though. Kane setting up for a Chokeslam to Carlito. Masters dives off the top turnbuckle, but Kane throws Carlito in his path. Chokeslam to Carlito for the win. Good opener.
Rating: 2.5 Stars
Some arguing between Carlito and Chris. Coach! Interviewing Shawn. Pretty good promo by Shawn.
Matt Hardy vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Finlay vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Bobby Lashley vs. Ric Flair – Money In The Bank Match
Interesting competitors for this match. Everyone after Lashley to start. Lashley killing everyone. Shelton takes him down with a nice Roundhouse Kick, though. Matt getting a ladder, but Rob Baseball Slides it into him. Ouch. Vaulting Body Press by RVD, onto Matt and the ladder. Shelton beating Finlay with a ladder. I love Shelton's creepy black guy smile. Shelton leans a ladder against the ropes and then runs up it and Somersaults onto RVD, Matt and Lashley. Beautifully, I might add. Flair climbing. Matt climbs the other side of the ladder. Exchanging punches. Superplex to Flair off the ladder. Flair selling like a fucking champ. Medics are helping Flair to the back. Drop Toe Hold from RVD to Shelton onto a ladder. Ow, Rolling Thunder misses Shelton and lands on the ladder. Lashley setting up a ladder. He's climbing very slowly, like he's afraid of heights. Shelton climbing the other side now. Black on black! Exchanging shots. Beautiful Sunset Flip by Shelton, but Lashley refuses to be pulled off the ladder. That is, of course, until Matt and Finlay aid Shelton in making it a triple Powerbomb. Matt puts Finlay in the corner and leans a ladder against him. Steps to the other corner and runs at Finlay, only for Finlay to toss the ladder into Matt. Finlay beating people with a ladder now. Here comes Flair. The triumphant return! Some Chops to Finlay. Flair setting up a ladder and climbing again, but Matt pulls him down, only to get chopped. Then some chops to Shelton and more to Matt. Shelton selling a Chop by back flipping over the top rope. Flair almost gets the briefcase but Finlay climbs the other side and nails him with the sheleighly and Flair goes falling back to the canvas. Crowd boos that heavily. Shelton climbing the ladder now as Finlay reaches for the briefcase. Shelton hits Finlay a few times but then Lashley nails the ladder they're standing on with another ladder, knocking it over and sending both men toppling down. Dominator by Lashley to Shelton. Lashley climbing the ladder again. Oh shit. Van Dam off the top rope, Dropkicks a steel chair into Lashley's back. That was cool. Leg Drop off of about 60-65% of the way up the ladder from Matt to Lashley. Hardy climbing a ladder in the center now. Finlay from behind. Side Effect off the ladder by Matt! RVD climbing a ladder from the corner, the one Matt Leg Dropped off of. Rob with a Splash (Not a Five Star Frog Splash), off the top of the ladder, onto Finlay. ECW chants. Shelton from out of fucking nowhere springboards and lands on the ladder. Punching the shit out of RVD. Matt sets up another ladder next to them and climbs it. Shelton climbs over to Matt's ladder and exchanges strikes with him. RVD tips the ladder with his foot, sending both men flying outside of the ring. RVD gets the briefcase and promptly falls off of the ladder. Fucking Rob. Very fun match, though.
Rating: 4 Stars
No Josh Matthews, I gave it 4 stars not 5. Close, though. Josh interviewing Mean Gene? Interrupted by Randy. Mean Gene gets pissed and leaves. Orton talks for a bit and Batista interrupts him. Apparently Bret Hart wasn't comfortable showing up for WM. Dick. >_> Hall of Fame Class of 2006. Mean Gene, with Kristal for some fucking reason. Sensational Sherri, with Ted Dibiase. Tony Atlas, accompanied by Victoria, I think. Vern Gagne. Kristal and her big tits came out with him too. Some celebrity guy, accompanied by Melina. William Perry, that's him. The Blackjacks get Maria to accompany them. Chavo and Vickie come out on behalf of Eddie. Big pop for Eddie. Vickie lost a lot of weight. "We Miss You Eddie" sign that also says "Hi Mom". >_>
John Bradshaw Layfield w/ Jillian Hall vs. Chris Benoit © – United States Championship
They actually lifted the entrance ramp for JBL's limo to drive under it. Fucking sign. "Beef Jerky" and it points at a picture of beef jerky. "Beefy Jerk" and it points at a picture of JBL. Benoit. <3 My all-time favorite wrestler. Tie-up to start. And some brawling. Side Headlock by JBL. Benoit whips him across the ring and JBL returns with a Shoulder Block. He runs to the ropes again, but Chris Drop Toe Holds him and attempts a Crossface, but JBL refuses to let him hook the arm in between his legs. JBL gets the rope. Headlock to Benoit. Chris reversing into...I'm not sure what that is. It's sorta like an inverted Single Leg Boston Crab. He lets it go soon and attacks JBL with chops. Irish Whip to the turnbuckle. Chris lands an Arm Drag as a reversal to a Clothesline or something. He trips JBL and goes for a Sharpshooter, but JBL kicks him away. JBL and Chris exit the ring and JBL hides behind Jillian before poking Chris in the eye. They reenter the ring. Chris with a ridiculously painful looking and sounding chop and JBL is just like "lol eat my boot" and does the most nonchalant fucking Big Boot I've ever seen. Multiple Germans by Chris. He lands three. Diving Headbutt time. JBL gets back to his knees though and pulls the referee in the way which distracts Chris just long enough for him to push the top rope, causing Chris to trip. JBL mocking Eddie's shoulder shaking taunt and gets massive heat for it. Superplex by JBL. Two count. More Eddie Guerrero mocking by JBL and then he does Chris' cut throat taunt. JBL going for the Three Amigos and he gets ridiculous heat for that. Benoit fights out of the third one, though, but he gets drilled with a Big Boot. JBL with an interesting submission. It's like a claw grip on the shoulder mixed with a Headlock. Jillian's breasts keep distracting me. Chris gets out of the submission with a Back Suplex. Now Chris doing the Three Amigos and the audience pops big. Diving Headbutt attempt again. He lands it this time. Two count. JBL almost landed the Clothesline From Hell, but Chris ducked and went for a German. JBL blocked it by grabbing the referee. Clothesline From Hell attempt again, but it's reversed into a Crossface! JBL reverses into a pin, holding onto the rope as he does so, for the win. Benoit, no. :(Not the most entertaining match in terms of action, although it wasn't bad in that aspect. But JBL played the heel role amazingly here.
Rating: 3 Stars
Video package for Edge and Foley. I forget this match was this year. Fuck yes. The amount of hardcore in the video package alone. Mick kissing a barbed wire 2x4. Huh, Joey Styles on commentary with King and J.R.
Mick Foley vs. Edge w/ Lita – Hardcore Match
Edge brings out a baseball bat. No weapon with Mick? Naaah, I know what he's got on him. I saw this epic match before. Edge going after Mick with the bat but missing and Foley starts punching Edge. Bulldog by Foley. He sets Edge up in the tree of woe. Low elbow drop to Edge's upside-down face. Edge attacks Foley from behind. Lita sliding weapons into the ring. Edge with a metal cookie sheet that he smacks over Foley's face. Twice. Three times. Now Edge has a sign. He lays it on Edge's face and then Baseball Slides it into him. Edge setting up for a Spear. He lands it, but Foley had barbed wire wrapped around his body. You clever fuck. He cuts the barbed wire off. Edge's arm is bleeding bad after that. Jesus. Foley whips him in the arm and back with the barbed wire. He then rubs the barbed wire into his arm's cut. Some punches by Foley and Edge gets caught in the top and middle ropes by his arms. Foley exits the ring and gets a barbed wire covered 2x4, Barbie. Sexiest woman ever. He gets back in the ring but Lita jumps on his back. Foley Cactus Clotheslines Edge out of the ring with Lita on his back! Bang bang! Two count on the outside. Swinging Neckbreaker by Foley, still on the outside, for another two count. Ouch. Foley runs at Edge, whom is near the steps and Edge Hip Tosses him into the steps. Fuck! Ridiculous Irish Whip into the steps that take the top half off as Foley flips over the steps. Edge gets a steel chair. He then gets a table. Edge sets it up outside of the ring. Edge lays Foley on the table. He climbs to the top turnbuckle, but Foley slides off the table. Fighting on the ramp where Edge slams Foley back-first. Back in the ring they go. Lita hands Edge lighter fluid and he douses Foley in it, but Foley takes him down and starts punching him. Piledriver by Foley. Foley puts the cookie sheet under Edge's head and grabs the steel chair. He was going for a modified con-chair-to, but Lita distracts him long enough for Edge to get back up, with the cookie sheet in his hands, He drops it and DDTs Mick onto it. Two count. Edge gets Barbie. Barbie shot to the mid-section and then the back. And then the face. Foley's bleeding. Edge rubbing the barbed wire on his cuts. Bulldog by Edge right onto the barbed wire. Two count. Edge gets a bag from in between the steel steps. Time for the thumb tacks. Edge drags Foley to the tacks but Foley quickly Back Suplexes him onto them. So many holes in Edge's back. The camera got close up on it and you can actually see the holes from where the thumb tacks pierced him. Some tacks are still in him while there are holes left behind by the ones that aren't still in. Mr. Socko wrapped in barbed wire! He does the Mandible Claw to Edge and then to Lita! Lita bleeding from the mouth. Foley got Barbie again. Barbie to Edge's gut. And then to Edge's face. Now Edge is bleeding from the face. Running Barbie Drop to the face. Now Foley scraping the barbed wire on Edge's cuts. Foley grabs the lighter fluid. He starts pouring it on the table from the apron. Lita grabs Barbie and smashes it into Foley's nuts. Ouch. She then continues Foley's task of pouring lighter fluid on the table. She sets it on fire. Spear off the apron through the flaming table. "OH MY GOOOOOOOD!" Jesus, Joey. Edge's selling here is fucking amazing. He's shaking like a motherfucker. Pin for the victory. Not quite as good as Cactus Jack vs. HHH at Royal Rumble 2000, but it's close.
Rating: 4.5 Stars
Jesus, Edge has blood pouring into his eyes and he's still shaking on the way up the ramp. Foley chants after Edge and Lita leave. Booker T and Sharmell backstage. Apparently the Boogeyman is targeting them. Fucking Paul Burchill with his pirate gimmick. He's just chilling there, practicing with his sword. Ted Dibiase Sr. being a complete dick to Eugene. It seems they had a bet that if Eugene could bounce a basketball 100 times, he'd get money. He made it to 98 or 99 and Ted kicks the ball away and Eugene starts crying. Gene Snitsky licking Mae Young's foot. What the fuck has happened to this WrestleMania? "What the hell is going on around here? Excuse me, ma'am?" Booker says, as Goldust turns around. Literally lol'd. Goldust cutting a promo about how they're all freaks, while everyone from the segment crowds around, and tells Booker to embrace it if he hopes to beat The Boogeyman. "I think you should take the worms and put them in your..." Goldust whispers something to Booker and Booker just looks at him and says "Tell me you did not just say that." That whole segment was just...What the actual fuck? Todd Grisham with two random women. Apparently they won a sweepstakes. Joe Theismann in the arena as well.
Booker T & Sharmell vs. The Boogeyman
Booker's even freaked out by his own pyros during this entrance. Boogeyman has something dripping out of his mouth that looks like foam as he dances his way to the ring. Sharmell and Booker T selling their fear amazingly. Especially Sharmell. Booker having Sharmell start. Ah, he just did it to distract Boogeyman so he can sneak up behind him. Sharmell immediately tags out after this. Booker beating Boogeyman down. Boogey grabs Booker, but Sharmell distracts the referee and Booker low blows him. Superkick with an epic sell by Boogeyman. Booker continues on offense for a bit, but Boogey starts to make a comeback only to be hit with the Book End (Rock Bottom). Boogeyman starting to come back. He gets a big pile of worms and puts them in his mouth. Sharmell gets Boogey's staff and slowly creeps up behind him, scared out of her mind. He turns around right when she's about to hit him, though, and then he kisses her with a mouth full of worms. Ew. Sharmell runs away, screaming. Boogey with a Double Handed Chokeslam to Booker for the win. That was a thing.
Rating: 1.5 Stars
Boogey eats some worms on his way up the ramp. Trish Stratus vs. Shitty James before she was Shitty. Well, she was always shitty, but she used to have a cool gimmick. Video package for the match.
Mickie James vs. Trish Stratus – Women's Championship
"You'd date her. She's a little old for you. She's in her early twenties." J.R. to Lawler. Fucking love J.R. I miss blonde Trish with bigger boobs. =( Trish with the early dominating. Damn, Trish, be careful. You can pop an implant out with those chops. Mickie goes to kick Trish but Trish catches it and pulls her into a split, ouch. Trish takes the fight to the outside of the ring. Trish goes for the Chick Kick, but Mickie ducks and she kicks the steel post. Back in the ring. Mickie's targeting Trish's leg now. Exchanging of shots. Dropkick to the knee by Mickie. Foot DDT. I still don't know what the proper term is for that. More working on the leg. Single Leg Boston Crab. Ow. Mickie sets up Trish's ankle on the middle rope, jumps on and stomps right down on her leg. Looked brutal. Mickie with...Some type of submission. She's basically Bear Hugging Trish's leg. Trish kicks out of it with the other leg, but Mickie goes back to it. Oooh, nice Headscissors to get out of it by Trish. The crowd is actually jeering Trish heavily and cheering for Mickie. The fuck is wrong with you cunts? Trish with a Spinebuster. Trish goes for a Stinger Splash, but Mickie Dropkicks her in the mid-section. Mickie climbing the turnbuckle. Trish goes for that Handstand leg thing she does, but Mickie reverses by grabbing Trish's leg and leaping to the outside, guillotining her leg on the top rope. Mickie goes for another Half Boston Crab or Foot DDT and Trish reverses into a roll up, but there's a kickout. Trish reverses Mickie's cornered Hurricanrana into a Powerbomb. Trish Irish Whips Mickie to the ropes and Mickie goes for some jumping kick, it looks like, but Trish does some serious Limbo shit to dodge it. Trish going for Stratusfaction, but Mickie reverses by grabbing her grotch. Brb, masturbating. ... Okay, back. Chick Kick by Mickie for the win. Great match for a divas battle.
Rating: 3.5 Stars
Even J.R. is pissed that the crowd is cheering Mickie and booing Trish. Vince flexing. Is Stephanie pregnant here or is that just a horrible shirt? Vince saying they're gonna have their first ever McMahon Family prayer. Him, Linda, Stephanie and Shane get down on one knee. Stephanie is pregnant. "God, let's face it. I don't like you and you don't like me. I've defied every law you've ever had and yet been tremendously successful. And I'm sure, God, you never intended on a sixty year old to have a Herculean physique as I do. I know God that you and I aren't close, but I know you and Shawn Michaels are very, very close. So tonight, God, I'd like to tell you what I'm gonna do with your favorite wrestler. I'm gonna send Shawn Michaels down to the fiery depths of hell. Amen." Beautiful. Just beautiful. Oh God, I died when Vince yelled "HELLALUJAH!"
The Undertaker vs. Mark Henry – Casket Match
Jesus, Mark's Splash through the commentary table during the pre-match video. I don't remember Mark's old theme. >_> I love his gold outline on his singlet and gold kneepads, though. Taker enters the ring and Mark has a major derp look on his face. Mark attacking Taker from behind. Taker tries to knock Mark down with a couple Clothesline, but he can't do it. Mark takes Taker done with one, though. The fight heads to the outside as Mark is in firm control. Mark and Taker exchanging head slams into the steel steps. Back in the ring. Taker going for Old School, but Mark punches him in the gut. Taker keeps almost getting a comeback but then being shut down by Mark. Mark tells the referees to open the casket. He tries to push him in under the bottom rope, but Taker kicks Henry to get free. Now Taker working on Mark's shoulder. Old School attempt again. He lands it this time, but Mark still stands. Taker attempting a Reverse STO, but Mark powers out and slams Taker. Mark calls for the casket to open again. Mark goes running at Taker, whom is resting his head on the middle rope. Taker moves and Mark goes flying through the ropes, landing on his feet inside the casket. Mark pulls Taker into the casket and they exchange shots. Mark knocks Taker down, but Taker grabs him by the throat. A couple punches to Mark, rolling him back into the ring and Taker follows. Taker goes for a running Cross Body but Mark reverses with the World's Strongest Slam. He goes for a pin, but there's no pins in this match. After realizing his mistake, he calls for the casket to be opened and he rolls Taker into it, but Taker stands in the casket. Taker hot shots Mark on the middle rope and reenters the ring. Taker keeps trying to knock Mark down all matches, but he can't do it and Mark takes control each time. Mark puts Taker in the corner and climbs to the middle rope, where he starts landing punches. Taker with a really shitty looking Powerbomb to reverse. He sorta just carried Mark a few inches and then fell. Taker tosses Mark out of the ring. Taker with an over-the-top-rope Suicide Dive, flying all the way over the casket and landing on Mark. Beautiful. Back in the ring they go. Tombstone to Mark. They open the casket and Taker rolls Mark in before closing it on him. Not even close to being one of Taker's better WrestleMania matches, but it was decent.
Rating: 2.5 Stars
Video package for Shawn/Vince now.
Shawn Michaels vs. Mr. McMahon – No Holds Barred Match
God damn, Vince was fit. Shawn attacks Vince on the outside of the ring. He launches Vince over the commentary table, into J.R. and Lawler and starts pounding on him. Shawn starts choking Vince with a headset wire and you can see Tazz and Cole laughing in the background. Back in the ring they go. Shawn grabs Vince's framed poster of his Muscle & Fitness cover before entering the ring. He breaks it over Vince's head. Here comes the Spirit Squad. Or has Moose says, the Spring Squad. They lay Shawn out and then toss him ridiculously high, before letting him drop to the canvas. Kenny going for his Leg Drop. Shawn moves, though. Shawn beats every member of the Spirit Squad with...I'm not sure what that is. A mega phone, maybe? Jesus, Kenny. Shawn launches Kenny over the top rope, onto the rest of the Spirit Squad, and he does a ridiculously beautiful flip. Vince Clotheslines Shawn. Vince is bleeding above his eye. Just a small amount of blood, though. Vince choking Shawn. He takes his belt off and starts whipping Shawn with it. He then chokes him with it. Shawn is coming back, though, but Vince shuts him down. Vince setting up for a Superkick. Shawn blocks it and starts nailing away at Vince. Shawn with his flying Forearm and a Kip Up. Now he has the belt and he's whipping Vince with it. Powerslam to Vince and Shawn climbs the turnbuckle. Diving Elbow Drop. Now it's Shawn setting up for the Superkick. Shane in with a kendo stick shot to Shawn's back. God, I miss Shane. He's dancing. <3 Shane pulling out handcuffs. Vince doing a strip tease. Shane grabs Shawn and tries to shove his face into Vince's ass, but Shawn reverses and sends Shane face-first into Vince's ass instead. Shawn then low blows Vince. Shawn Clotheslines Shane out of the ring. Shawn handcuffs Shane to the middle rope on the outside. Shawn tosses the key into the audience and then starts doing Shane's dance. He's actually quite good at it. Shawn now beating Shane with the kendo stick. Shawn getting a steel chair. Drills Vince over the head with it. Vince bleeding a bit more now. Shawn setting up for the Superkick again. He doesn't do it, though. He exits the ring and gets a ladder. He slides it into the ring and then rams it into Vince's head. Damn, now Vince is bleeding bad. It's going all the way up his head and pouring down the back. Shawn sets up for a Superkick again, but stops himself once more. He shoves Vince and exits the ring again. He gets a trash can and throws it in the ring, along with a second trash can and then a table. Trash can shot to the head by Shawn. He sets up the table. He lays Vince on the table and lands a punch before setting up the ladder. He climbs to the top of the ladder, but he waves his finger and climbs down. He exits the ring, punches Shane once and gets an even bigger ladder before sliding it into the ring. Shawn sets up the ladder. Fuck, that's a big ladder. Shawn pulls Vince off the table, punches him a few times, puts the trash can over his upper body and lays him back down on the table before climbing the ladder. DX chops from the top of the ladder and then Shawn jumps off with a huge Elbow Drop. The referee pulls the trash can off of Vince's upper body. Both men are down. Shawn's getting back up now. Shawn tips the ladder outside of the ring and then he scares away the medical staff. Shawn pulls Vince back up, tells him he's gonna knock his teeth down his throat, Superkicks him and pins him. Fun match with good storytelling.
Rating: 3.5 Stars
Ha, Vince getting carried out on a stretcher and he still finds the strength to stick his middle finger up to Shawn. Tazz: "Who'd you like in that match, J.R.?" Ha. Time for the World Heavyweight Championship match. Video package for it.
Kurt Angle © vs. Randy Orton vs. Rey Mysterio – World Heavyweight Championship
Live theme song for Rey Mysterio. It's Booyaka 619 though, not his old theme. =( Rey comes out wearing some weird ass Indian-looking hat. HEY! HEY! HEY! NOTHING YOU CAN SAY! I miss this fucking theme. And then there's Kurt's WWE theme. <3 So much epicness in these themes. Some epic fireworks for Kurt in the ring. Orton takes the WHC and hits Kurt over the head with it. He then goes after Rey. Irish Whip sending Rey to the corner. He leaps up and does a springboard Cross Body, but Randy catches him with a Dropkick to the mid-section. Kurt Angle with a German Suplex from out of nowhere to Randy. He goes for a second one, but Randy blocks it. Randy then wraps his arms around Rey from behind as Kurt German Suplexes him, Randy German Suplexing Rey at the same time. Jesus H. Fuck, the height that Rey got there. Orton with his Backbreaker to Kurt. Belly-to-Belly Suplex by Kurt to Orton. Kurt sits Orton on the top turnbuckle but then Rey attacks Kurt, sending him head-first into Orton's groin. Rey runs at Kurt, but Kurt ducks and tosses Rey over head into a Hurricanrana on Orton, whom was still seated on the top rope. Beautiful. Kurt throws Rey out of the ring and goes for a pin, but Orton kicks out. "Let's Go Angle" chants. Angle dominates both for a bit. Wow, Angle doing a Sunset Flip. Not sure I've seen that before. But Rey rolls through and kicks him in the side of the head. Rey with a Headscissors, landing Kurt with his head on the second rope. 619 attempt gets caught by Kurt who transitions it into an Ankle Lock. And he grapevines it. Mysterio tapes, but the referee is distracted by Orton whom is trying to enter the ring with a steel chair. Kurt knocks Orton off of the apron and goes for the Ankle Lock again. After a few seconds, Orton reenters the ring and breaks it up. German Suplex to Orton and then one to Rey that completely flips him, making him land face-first as Kurt doesn't even arch his back. And one more to Orton. Angle Slam to Rey, sending him over the top rope. Kurt's looking like an absolute fucking machine in this match. Ankle Lock to Orton. Orton almost gets to the rope, but Kurt pulls him back and grapevines. Orton taps now, but this time it's Rey distracting the referee. Crowd booing heavily for that. Kurt knocks Rey to the outside and then reapplies the grapevine Ankle Lock to Orton. Rey does a springboard Leg Drop to Kurt to force the break. Pin for a two count. Kurt throwing Rey shoulder first into the steel post. Angle Slam attempt to Orton gets reversed into an RKO, but Angle kicks out of the pin. Orton doing a great job of selling the leg injury. Orton climbing the turnbuckle. Beautiful Avalanche Belly-to-Belly Suplex by Kurt. Lol, botch. Kurt getting up using the ropes as Rey comes running along the apron, looking to do an around-the-turnbuckle 619, but he falls, so then he quickly jumps onto the apron and kicks Kurt in the face. Springboard Seated Senton by Rey for a two count. Orton pushes Kurt out of the ring and focuses on Rey. He lands a Gutwrench Neckbreaker type thing. Orton calling for the RKO, but he gets Angle Slammed from out of nowhere! Kickout at two! Bah Gawd! Kurt setting up for an Angle Slam for Rey. Rey reverses into an Arm Drag, sending Kurt out of the ring. Dropkick to Orton's back, setting up for the 619. It lands and then Rey does a springboard Hurricanrana for the win. Great match. I'd have liked it to be a little bit longer, but it was really good regardless.
Rating: 4 Stars
Oh, hey, Dominik, Rey's son. The kid who I named Diveraz after. Chavo and Vickie out to celebrate with Rey. Cena getting booed heavily in 2006? Huh, the booing started earlier than I thought. HHH getting a big pop as they show him and Cena getting ready.
Candice Michelle vs. Torrie Wilson – Playboy Pillow Fight Match
Wait, Torrie had Michelle McCool's theme song before? "We're thinking about doing a Hugh Hefner Rules match. There's where they have the Viagra on a pole." Fucking J.R. Immediate fight on the bed. Rolling around on each other. Typical catfight shit. Oh, wait, there's a Suplex by Torrie. Yay, wrestling moves! Candice gets Back Body Drop onto the bed. That doesn't seem very painful. Probably fun, but not painful. Torrie flips the bed onto Candice. Torrie asks for her poodle, which she proceeds to have Stinkface Candice. Torrie tearing Candice's dress off. Candice with a hanging Headscissors thing on the ropes. I almost forgot how hot Candice was. >_> I miss her. Candice gets out a pair of scissors and starts cutting off Torrie's dress. It takes her awkwardly long to get the dress off. Torrie gets the win with a roll-up. YO NAT ENUFF FO' ME! That was something. My brain says to give it a low rating. My penis says to give it 5 stars. Eh, maybe if Torrie did a Stinkface instead of her dog.
Rating: 1 Star
WrestleMania press conference highlights.
Triple H vs. John Cena © – WWE Championship
Huh, didn't know HHH used the King of Kings song back then. This fucking entrance. They play that song as HHH sits in a throne wearing...Something. Then they change to his other theme and he starts making his way to the ring. Why the fuck does Triple H look like Umaga in this attire? Also, what the fuck is this video for Cena? This fucking entrance music. CM PUNK! Why the fuck is Punk dressed as a gangster and riding along a car with Cena in it? This whole entrance is fucking retarded. Oh, Cena wasn't in the car. Here he comes now. What the fuck was the point of...Whatever. I'll just go along with it. Cena coming out dressed like a mobster...In shorts. Triple H is just like "What the fuck is this shit?" Good, that awful thing is over. Match time. Taking a while for them to actually do anything. Jesus, somebody throw a punch. Oh, there we go, a tie-up. Some small chain wrestling and again they take a break to listen to the crowd. >_> Hammer Lock by HHH. More pausing. Will you two pussies just fight already? Some back and forth stuff. Cena goes for the FU, but HHH slides down his back, spins him around and socks him. More stalling. This is shit so far. It's been like 3 or 4 minutes and they've hardly actually done anything. HHH tosses Cena to the outside. Cena sneaks up behind HHH and waits for him to turn around before punching him a bunch. Back Body Drop by Cena. Two count. Lawler saying Cena can't wrestle and J.R. pretty much telling him to go fuck himself. Some Irish Whips by Cena and then a Fisherman's Suplex for a two count. Headlock by Cena. HHH fights out of it but Cena stays on him. Irish Whip, sending HHH into the turnbuckle, where he flips to the outside. Cena heads outside, but HHH thumbs him in the eye. HHH attempts a Powerbomb on the steel entrance ramp, but Cena reverses into a Back Body Drop. Back into the ring Cena goes. He exits again to break the count and then throws HHH back into the ring. Pin, kickout. Some punches by Cena. Knee Lift to Cena's face from HHH. Now HHH with some punching. HHH exits the ring. Irish Whips Cena into the steel steps. Cena's lip appears to be busted, just barely. Back into the ring they go. Pin for a close two count. Vertical Suplex by Triple H. Some stuff happens. Cena dies via Clothesline. Cena starts to mount a comeback, but HHH lands a spinning Neckbreaker. I'm fairly certain the same people chanting Let's Go Cena are the people chanting Cena Sucks. Sleeper Hold by HHH. Cena starts to fade. He then starts to get back into it. Cena gets free and lands a Clothesline. Both men are down and the referee's starting a count. HHH is up first. Exchanging punches. Cena with a few more Clotheslines and a Powerslam. Spinout Powerbomb. Cena goes for the Five Knuckle Shuffle but HHH gets up and lands a Double A Spinebuster. Two count. Cena with his Shoulder Blocks, but HHH reverses a third one into a Side Headlock. Cena reverses into a Back Suplex and lands the Five Knuckle Shuffle. STFU. HHH gets the bottom rope. Cena setting up for the FU. HHH slides down Cena's back and pushes him into the referee. He then low blows Cena, whilst also hitting the referee with the low blow at the same time. HHH mocking Cena's you can't see me chant before doing the DX chop. HHH gets a sledgehammer. HHH goes to hit Cena with it, but Cena lands a couple punches, causing him to drop the sledgehammer. HHH picks it up as Cena runs to the ropes though and he drills Cena in the face with it. Pin. The referee does a very slow two count before Cena kicks out. Another pin, this time with a faster count, but it's still two. Pedigree set up but Cena Back Body Drops him. FU lands, but HHH kicks out. Cena misses a diving Cross Body from the top rope. Cena reverses the Pedigree into the STFU. HHH looks like he passed out very quickly. Referee doing the triple arm drop. Lands twice. HHH keeps it up on the third one, though. HHH taps. Kinda weird to have him get out of the pass out thing and still tap, not even that long after. Pretty bad match, to be honest. It'd be decent for a mid-card match for no title, but for the main event of WrestleMania and for the WWE Championship? Yeah, not good. It did get better as it went along, but still not very good.
Rating: 1.5 Stars
A very good show. They definitely should've went with the triple threat for the main event instead of Cena vs. HHH. That was so much better. After the World Heavyweight Championship match, the show went to shit. Fortunately, there were only two matches left at that point. Overall, I'd rate it 3.5 stars out of 5. While it had a bad main event and a pointless divas match to end it, there were quite a few very good matches on the card to make up for that.
That's it for this edition of Gopher Review. Leave your requests for PPVs for me to review below.
Subject: Gopher Review: WrestleMania XXII (2006) 
