So up next is our main event for the straps Teddy and it should be a helluva fight.

No doubt Joey, these two teams have been battling, but it seems like the champions have turned the tide in the course of the last few encounters.

Could be, but I’m not betting against those loggers.

Well, I have to wonder what the loss of Lumber Jill has done to them.  I mean they’ve been keeping mum about it, but according to Wolfie she’s done.

A lady fair with a great pair, but Jim and Cletus have to keep their eyes on the prize…let's go up and see another bun I'd gladly stuff my wiener in...Laura Watts with the introductions.

The following contest, scheduled for one fall, is your main event of the evening and will be contested for the XWA Tag Team Championship.

The dulcet pickings of Leadbelly’s old guitar announce the arrival of the challengers.

Introducing first, the challengers, at a combined weight of 526lbs and hailing from the backwoods of New Brunswick Canada, Cletus & Big Jim: the Logging Crew.

The Logging Crew stride out into view. Cletus is decked in is trademark black watch cap, Mackinaw jacket, and carrying his double-bitted axe. He's sporting a shit-eating grin and singing along with Mr. Ledbetter, and is followed by Big Jim wrapped in animal skins and logging chains. He strokes his moose skins suggestively and is eerily fascinated by his pulp hook. After a moment of arguing with the foul-mouthed fans surrounding them, they begin their walk to the ring.

They’re dumb as dirt, tough as nails and they don’t take no shit!

No arguments there partner, but do they have what it takes to win the gold tonight?

Well, as far as I’m aware, they are undefeated in tag team action thus far.

Touché

Paying no more attention to the decidedly mixed reaction from the crowd, the loggers make their way into the squared circle and step between the strands.

And their opponents, they are the reigning and defending XWA Tag Team Champions.  Weighing in at a combined weight of 444lbs and accompanied tonight by Carnage and Nova, “The Showstealer” David Michaels & “The Jack of Hearts” JHalc: D-Volution!

The champions walk out onto the entrance ramp, awash in the adulation of their fans.  At their side is the beautiful "Wildcat" Nova and the hulking mass of Total Carnage. The foursome begin to walk down the ramp, making their way to the ring.

As I said, the champs are coming off some big wins and a sneak attack on the crew a few weeks back.  Could Lady Luck be riding with them tonight?

I’d feel pretty god-damn lucky if Nova was riding with me…or on me for that matter.

After the referee pats each of the combatants down, ensuring they’ve no contraband, nor clothed in anything too fearsome, he motions for the bell and the contest begins.  Jim and JHalc face off and come to grips, the latter grabbing a quick headlock takedown before springing to his feet again.  The two lock-up a second time, but this time the twisted timber slayer wrestles his foe to the mat, only to have the Jack of Hearts frustratingly slip from his grasp.  Jim gets to his feet and grabs a side headlock, but the champion comes up with an arm wringer in reply, leading his burly foe into the friendly corner and tagging in Michaels.  The show-stealer drops an elbow on the wrenched limb, dropping the larger man to his knees.  The world champion's legs scissor one of the birler's arms. He then grabs hold of the wrist of that arm and pulls it upwards, the resulting cross armbar causing hyper-extension of the shoulder and elbow.  Big Jim writhes in pain, but manages to lift himself to verticality and make a tag.  However the official is too preoccupied with the notion that Dave Michaels’ shoulders may now be touching the mat, and, in his eagerness to investigate, misses the tag completely.  As Cletus barrels into the squared circle, he’s cut off by the man in stripes, who demands he return to his corner.  The burly Beaubearian protests, but the arbiter points to his eye and assures him that if the tag wasn’t seen it might as well have never happened.  Meanwhile, JHalc’s back into the fray while the referee’s distracted, laying the boots into Big Jim while his partner continues to torque the arm, eliciting a series of wounded whoops.

Champs are out to an early start here, picking a body part and going after it.

They’re using the dumbshit ref too; working the double team.  I mean, how often does this happen to Logging Crew opponents, and now it’s them.

Finally, Jim manages to wrench himself clear enough to make a tag in sight of the official.  Cletus comes in and catches Michaels on the rise, jabbing an open hand into his throat and then hooking a top wrist lock.  The eyes of Showstealer blaze a bit brighter as he rears back and fires Cletus across the ring in an impressive show of strength that doubles as an escape.  He catches the lumberjack on the back foot, stunning him with choice lefts and makes the tag to the Jack of Hearts.  The combined pairing of D-Volution each twist a limb on the massive logger and drive their shoulders into his chest, sending him to the mat.  The double gilded daredevil comes off the ropes at a gallop toward the rising woodsman, but Cletus has the instinct enough to stop the smaller man with a sharp shot to the abdomen and make another tag.

The might be ugly as fuck, but these loggers know something about tag wrestling; notice their frequent tags.

No slouches that’s for sure Joey, they know how valuable that fresh man can be in a match of this magnitude.

Big Jim wastes no time with faint hearts and wraps his massive mitts around the gullet of the champion, throttling him until forced to break by the referee’s disqualification count.  The supine form of JHalc is too tempting a target for the perverse pulp peeler and he stomps his boot down upon it, over and over again, leering at the D-Volution corner all the while.  The contorted features of Carnage leer right back, while the icy glare of Nova tells that this kitten is well aware of how to scratch.  Jim peppers the champ’s head with a few first-rate fists, and finally settles into a reverse chinlock, grinding the head and laying all of his 245lbs on the back of his adversary.  Still dazed, it seems like JHalc has had his last laugh, his body beginning to slacken.  The official moves in to check on things, lifting the arm the requisite three times and getting only two drops, much to the crowd’s delight.  As the titlist gets his feet under him, mitigating the downward pressure of the hold, he lands a few back elbows that break the Canadian’s grasp entirely.  Yet, before he can escape to the relative safety of his corner, Jim grabs a handful of trunks and pulls him into a kidney punch.  Momentarily blinded by the pain radiating across his lower body, the Jack of Hearts isn’t even aware of the tag exchanged between the Logging Crew.  Only the first crashing double axe handle alerts him to their presence behind him.  Sadly for the champion the first axe handle is nowhere near the last.  

Oh! The patented number by the Logging Crew, and each of those blows take something out of you.

Damn right about that, we saw JHalc take an arm and work it earlier, well these big woodsmen have just decided that he’s the weak link.

They wouldn’t be the first to make that mistake…

After the Crew has finished serving up their patented double helping of double axe handles, Cletus remains on the inside and plants a stiff kick to the smaller man’s ribcage, which sends him tumbling along the canvas in order to get out of harms way.  The big paw of the pine island powerhouse hems him in and attaches itself to JHalc’s shoulder, grinding into the soft tissue of the trapezius area.  However, the Jack of Hearts is a knave in his own right and not about to be a captive.  With the crowd behind him, or at least the majority of the women in the stands and those men inspired by the notions and hopes of Nova’s celebratory nudity, he rolls backward and catches Cletus in the brow with a kick, the resounding thud echoing throughout the rafters.  He lands a double shot to the chest before scooping the big man up and planting him on the canvas, the D-Volution faithful cheering the impressive effort.  As Cletus scrambles to his feet too quickly, JHalc is right there, planting both hands on the woodsman’s bulbous cranium and leaping into the air to execute a jumping headbutt.

What did I tell you Joey?  

Hey, I didn’t say he was the weak link, I just said that’s what Cletus and Jim were thinking, and no one accused them of being geniuses.  I’ll tell you this though, he better quit dickin’ around and make a tag.

Alas the commentators speak with prescience, as the Jack of Hearts next offensive offering, a standing dropkick, is batted away by the beast of bonnie Beaubears, who falls upon his prone form like a felled pine, letting gravity amplify the effect of his own headbutt, which connects with the solar plexus.  Cletus bounds up and makes the tag immediately, sending Jim in to make a cover, but gain only a two count.  He hauls the champion to his feet and reaches behind to hook the head, while hooking the leg with his own, before falling backward, pulling the opponent to the mat back-first. The Russian legsweep leaves the Jack of Hearts dazed, but able to kick out once again at the count of two.  A bit annoyed, Jim drags his opposition toward the Logging Crew corner, lifts himself onto the second rope and drops a leg.  He then reaches over and makes the tag to his partner.  Cletus drops another headbutt onto JHalc, but still only manages to get a two count for his effort.  From the D-Volution corner comes a flurry of stomps and exhortations, as the Michaels, Nova and Carnage will their friend to continue the fight.  Ignorant of the pleas, Cletus hits the ropes, to get a bit more power, and falls upon JHalc again, driving the point of his knee into the heart of the Jack.  Another tag brings Big Jim back into the fray.

Maybe these boys have been fighting single a little too often lately Teddy, they’re a rusty I think.  

Well, I’m not sure about that, they were doing well in the early going, but I’ll concede that not tagging out was a major error on the part of JHalc.

Big Jim gives a few taunting kicks to his downed foe, urging him to his feet.  When he rises, he sets about to whip him into the far ropes, but the move is miraculously reversed and now it’s Big Jim flung off the taunt strands and slammed to the mat.  The crowd erupts as the hot tag brings in the world champ.  Michaels unloads a flurry of blows into the defenceless Jim, who can barely raise his hands to shield himself.  He fires Jim so hard into the corner that the momentum carries him over the buckle and post, clear to the floor below.  Sadly for the birler, the Laughing Giant is close at hand to fire lumberjack back into the squared circle, as though this were eponymous match.  Cletus rounds the corner a second too late and is left standing off with the D-Volution muscle.  Jim hops to his feet to jaw with his manhandler, but is spun around into a flurry of strikes by the heart-breaker.  After a succession of blows, the mad trapper falls like the majestic Scotch pine, crashing to the canvas seconds before Michaels descends with an elbow drop, which forces the air from his target in a great gust.  Yet, his pinfall attempt yields only a firm two.

The Logging Crew can’t afford to get caught up mouthing off to the men outside the ring.  Their opponents are in the ring.

Yeah Ted, but come on, that big bald bastard is hard to miss ands he’s got no business throwing people around…or blocking my view of Nova’s ass.

A dropkick levels the rising the logger and drops him to his knees, but a blind charge by the champion is ill-advised, as the Black Rapids brute catches him and uses his own momentum to propel him upward.  Michael’s sternum collides with the top turnbuckle and his head smashes onto the steel post, opening a small wound.  Sensing an opportunity, Jim attacks the gash and attempts to open it wide with the aid of his teeth, paying heed to the referee’s count only in the instants before it threatens to end the match prematurely.  He substitutes the snap of his jaws for the kick of his leg, stabbing at the open wound with his boot, before making the tag to Cletus.  Anxious to sample the champion’s brow, the island roughneck sinks in his teeth for a bite, and proceeds to loose a wad of blood and spittle at JHalc, bringing him into the ring and allowing the challengers to double up on the show-stealer.

There it is Teddy, you play with the bull moose, you get the horns up the ass…

Moose don’t have horns, they have antlers.

What am I, fuckin’ National Geographic?

Cletus sends Micheals to the ropes, but the smaller man comes back with a punch to the gut, which doubles over the whistle punk.  However, the champion can’t take full advantage of the opportunity he’s been afforded, and stumbles about momentarily, clearly trying to regain his bearings.  The Canadian connects with a haymaker, but David replies with a stiff jab, and second, and a third.  He winds up and delivers a huge punch that leaves the logger seated in the middle of the ring and sets the crowd on its feet.  The tag to JHalc is a foregone conclusion, but the Jack of Hearts shows immediate concern for his partner, ordering him sternly to the back, a conclusion which Nova and Carnage concur upon with some reticence.  Off he goes, as the logger thunders across the ring, only to be stopped by three punches in combination, paired with a headbutt.  Finding one opponent dazed, he delivers a wake up call that knocks Big Jim from the apron to the floor.  Knowing turn about is fair play, he gives Cletus’ forehead a nibble with extreme prejudice.

What possible reason do these guys have for biting.

I dunno, maybe they didn’t get enough to eat…

The risk taker bounces off the ropes, and leaps up into the air, before connecting with a forearm smash that sends the rattled rustic into the ropes, where he becomes entangled.  Measuring his foe despite the referee’s best efforts to halt the onslaught until the woodsman is free, JHalc is evidently in control, despite the numerical disadvantage.  Even when Cletus is freed, and slumps near lifeless, JHalc confidently strides backward, intent upon gathering the requisite steam to lay in some heavy offence.  Sadly, it is not to be as the knee of Big Jim crashes into the small of the champ’s back and he drags his comrade to their corner, in order that he might make the tag.  The braying of the D-Volution members on the outside does little to soften the referee’s heart toward a favourable DQ win for the champions.  There follows, when Big Jim re-enters the contest legally, the locking of the sou-West savage’s arms around the Jack's waist and the nauseating decent before he finishes the gutwrench suplex by  slamming him over back-first to the mat.

JHalc’s really puttin’ up a helluva fight, but he can’t last.

Guts and determination are what this D-Volution team is all about, don’t sell them short.

Jim makes a cover but, once again, can manage only a two.  He tags in Cletus, and both men douse their opposition in a further course of double axe handles, bringing Carnage up onto the apron and setting off a shouting match with the referee.  The roar of the crowd is near deafening, but they do not decry the brashness of the big man, but rather herald the arrival of the world champion, now bandaged as though recently returned from war.  Michaels lights into both logger’s with ferocity unseen as it in this contest.  At the height of the thrashing he stands feeding left hands into Cletus’ face and rights into Jim’s almost simultaneously.  He finally ends by crashing both men’s heads to together and watching them drop to the canvas and roll out on opposite sides.

The world champion, cleaning house, can you believe it?!

Maybe Cletus and Jim blew their opening, Michaels is a scary sonofabitch when his blood it up.

The official is determined to gain control of this one, not let it end in a DQ that pleases no one.  As David checks on the state of his partner, once more lifting him to his feet, the man in stripes takes a look at the heart-breaker’s doctored wound.  On the outside, with both challengers groggy and worn, a plot forms in Carnage’s mind.  He sternly warns Nova to stay put, as he stalks Cletus, intent on further softening the legal man for what he is sure will be an inevitable conclusion.  He lights into the Beaubearian, while the ref is caught up with the tag champs.  Yet, curiosity stirs the heart of the Wildcat and she too ventures forward to clean her claws by rending the perverse pulp peeler.  Finding Jim huddled in the fetal position, she’s to eager to realize the danger.  Jim’s too old a cat to be played by a kitten like Nova, she rolls him over and catches a fireball full in the face.  Her screams fill the air and bring her three men running.  Jim skulks away to tend his partner.   D-Volution hangs tough and decides to have Carnage escort Nova to the back.  In one fell stroke, the Logging Crew has halved their opposition.

Jesus!  Look at that!  God almighty, they just burned Nova!

What a heartless move!

These Logging Crew guys are fucked…just…wow…

David Michaels’ own heart is breaking, as he follows the procession halfway back the aisle, as though it were a funeral cortège, as the official urges him to return to the fray.  Back inside, Big Jim rolls in and telegraphs a double axe handle from halfway across the ring, ample time for JHalc to plant a boot to the solar plexus.  The Jack of Hearts sets up for a piledriver, but another axe handle, this one from Cletus, crashes into his back unseen.  Jim rises up, holding JHalc across his back and delivering the Hermit’s Hangover. He immediately bolts from the ring and makes to head off the world champion.  The river forks rambler now locks his opponent’s leg behind the knee and then traps the other leg over the already-locked foot. He then uses his other foot to press against his foe’s knee; an Indian Deathlock best known as The Log Jam.  As the brawl re-ignites outside, the referee returns to the submission hold and it looks like the champion is out. Jhalc’s arm drops once, twice and holds, suspended in the air, for the briefest of seconds. A triumphant cheer forms in the throats of the fans, but it’s snuffed out by the fall of the mighty limb. The man in the zebra shirt waves his hands and calls for the bell, thankful this match is over.

Your winners of the match, and new XWA Tag Team Champions, The Logging Crew!