So, I was originally gonna review ECW's Hardcore Heaven (1997), but over half way through the PPV I accidentally X'd out the tab my review was in and I can't get it back. <_<I'm not re-writing all of that, or re-watching the whole show again, so I've decided to do a different Pay Per View. I was also gonna watch all the PPVs in order, starting with ECW, then WCW and finally WWE, but I've decided to just watch whatever PPVs I want in whatever order. So, my first Gopher Review will be Extreme Rules, 2012. I don't remember much about the PPV aside from Lesnar vs. Cena.
Kane vs. Randy Orton - Falls Count AnywhereOh God, Kane with the wielder's mask in the entrance. And Booker T on commentary. I'm already regretting this. "HE'S A MONSTER, DAWG!" Why does Marcelo Rodriguez look like a Mexican version of the main character from That 70's Show, Eric? On a commentary-related note, I didn't think Cole was a face back then. The whole arena looks smokey, for some reason. Dunno what the deal is with that. Early on, Kane gets a lead pipe, but Orton gets it off of him and uses it on Kane. They start to make their way to the crowd area. Brawling...Brawling...Some more brawling. Oooh, a hot girl in the crowd wearing a "Love Love Love" shirt. Back to brawling. Nice running Dropkick to a seated Orton. More brawling. Orton's got one of the most beautiful Dropkicks. Heading to the backstage now. Into the dressing room? Nope, going passed it. "SHITGAH!" That's not a PG enough thing to say every time you punch someone, Orton. Zack Ryder! He's going after Kane! Cameraman got knocked down, ha. Kane just casually throwing drawers at Orton. Back into the arena and into the ring they go. Randy gets a steel chair. The audience got way too excited for a steel chair. Orton just beating the ever-loving hell out of Kane with that chair. Orton, that's the wrong commentary table. The Mexicans are on the left. Commentary table-hung DDT. RKO from out of nowhere! Well, an attempt at least. Kane throws Orton into the steel post instead. Superplex by Orton. "RANDY ORTON JUST DROPPED THAT BOY!" Booker T calling Kane a boy. I'm still waiting for the Shuckie Duckie Quack Quack. Chokeslam by Kane for a two count. Orton reverses a Tombstone into an RKO on a chair for the win. Decent match. Nothing great, but it had some fun moments.
Rating: 2.5 Stars
JOHNNY ACE AND HEEL EVE!
Teddy looks so done with their shit. Out comes Brodus, the Funkadactyls and Hornswoggle. I miss the old introduction Naomi and Cameron did for him. I think Cole might actually be a heel here. Hasn't seemed like it thus far, but now he's badmouthing Hornswoggle. Well, Booker said Shucky Ducky. He missed the Quack Quack, though. Ziggler with the ass cape. Beautiful.
Brodus Clay vs. Dolph ZigglerI don't remember this match, but I'm pretty sure Ziggler jobs, which upsets me. Oh, hey, Jack Thwagger is out there. I forgot him and Ziggler were a team. Dolph Dropkicks Brodus out of the ring and then goes to jump on him but super-ref catches Ziggler. Ziggler's actually getting some offense. This pleases me. Okay, calm down a little Hornswoggle. Clay powering out of the Sleeper, but Ziggler's staying on him. Lol, Ziggler trying to Suplex Brodus. Ziggler selling a Gourdbuster like a boss. Battering Ram Headbutt and a Splash for the win. Poor Ziggles.
Definitely a filler match.
Rating: 1.5 Stars
Hornswoggle is twerking. Okay then. Apparently Big Show vs Cody Rhodes is up next. Teddy, still looking done with their shit, spins the wheel and gets Table match. Cody getting mad at Teddy for that.
The Big Show (c) vs. Cody Rhodes - Table Match for the Intercontinental ChampionshipI don't remember how good this match is in general but I do remember the ending and I liked that much. Big Show can cry to this. Ah, black ref. Back when he was a rarity. Big Show with the early domination. Jesus, that Back Body Drop. Huge leverage. Cody's selling like a beast in this match. Cole saying he used to farm. "He's talking about his stomach." What? Epic Disaster Kick off a table by Cody. Beautiful. Big Show goes to get on the apron, Cody trips him and he goes foot-first through the table. Cole marks so hard. Marks so hard motherfuckers wanna fine him. Short match, but it was decent.
Rating: 2 Stars
Angry Big Show is angry. Dat Spear. Chokeslam through a table afterwards. Cole is the most upset about it. "One More Time" chant. So Big Show Military Press Drops Cody from the ring to a table outside of the ring. Bah Gawd. The video quality just randomly dropped a shit ton. Not sure what's up with that. Wait, now it's back to normal. Okay, just make me out to be an ass, WWE Network. Cody continuing to seel like a Champ after going through the second table. "Cody" chants...After the crowd chanting for him to be put through a second table. Cunts. Cody walking out by himself but still selling like a boss. Edge DVD commercial. Matt Striker interviewing Daniel Bryan. Daniel being epic. He's so epic whether he's a face or a heel. D'awww, AJ waiting in the shadows.
Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan up next. Video package. Daniel dumping AJ and yelling at her. :(Dat $500,000 fine for Sheamus. Daniel looks so different with short hair and a short beard.
Sheamus (c) vs. Daniel Bryan - Two Out of Three Falls Match for the World Heavyweight ChampionshpSheamus with an early Brogue Kick attempt, but Daniel dodged. The fans are definitely behind Daniel in this, even after he blatantly badmouthed him. Sheamus applying the Cloverleaf, but Daniel gets to the ropes. Daniel successfully does his comeback moment. Pretty early for that. Sheamus catches Daniel mid-air and Spinebusters him into the barricade. Nice. Dueling chants as Daniel stomps on Sheamus. Jesus, this submission by Bryan. I don't even know what to call that. Just looks brutal as fuck on the arm. Daniel dominating for a bit. By Gawd, Sheamus is making a comeback. That knee to the face looked vicious. Oooh, Sheamus doing a Fallaway Slam. Lol. Daniel going for a top rope Hurricanrana and Sheamus doesn't budge, so Daniel just goes flopping about. Bryan reverses a Powerbomb into a Sunset Flip pin. Daniel going for the Yes Lock like 4 times in a row, but he can't get it. He just won't bugger off. Daniel working on the shoulder. Daniel loses the fall after kicking the fuck out of Sheamus while he's in the ropes. D-Bro applies the Yes Lock. Daniel keeps it applied for quite some time. The referee calls for Daniel to win the second round because Sheamus isn't moving. He didn't even do the arm drop thing. Cunt. Cheating Sheamus like that. Dueling No and Yes chants. Epic. After a while of doctors checking on Sheamus, he says he wants to continue. He gets back to his feet in the corner and Daniel runs at him, only to take a Brogue Kick. Daniel kicks out. Great storytelling in this match. Kicks from Daniel and punches from Sheamus exchange until Daniel Roundhouses Sheamus for a two-count. Daniel climbs to the top turnbuckle, but Sheamus stops him. Sheamus goes for a Superplex but Daniel reverses and Headbutts him off of the turnbuckle. Diving Headbutt attempt by Bryan misses. Daniel missing his turnbuckle Dropkick and the landing looked brutal as it always does when he misses. Sheamus doing his comeback moment. #WWEGames Irish Curse Backbreaker. Brogue Kick for the win. That kick looked beastly. Great action. Great storytelling. Great match.
Rating: 3.5 Stars
Santino and Khali watching from backstage as Ryback is about to tear two jobbers a new asshole.
Ryback vs. Two Jobbers#TwoIsGreaterThanOne Lawler saying these two jobbers can star in a show called One & a Half Men and Cole just loses his shit. Ryback killing the skinny one. And now he's killing the other one. And now he's killing both of them. Shellshock on one instead of both at the same time? You disappointment, Ryback.
Rating: 1 Star
CM PUNK! Good promo by him. God, I loved this feud with Jericho. I didn't think the whole bit with Punk pretending to be drunk made any sense, but it was entertaining.
CM Punk (c) vs. Chris Jericho - Chicago Street Fight for the WWE ChampionshipThese street attires are sexy. They start off with a brawl, as expected. Punk with early domination. He gets Mr. Kendo Stick and starts beating Jericho with it as fans chant ECW for some reason. Punk sets up a chair in the corner and goes to get Jericho only for Jericho to hide behind the ref, and hold onto him. Ha. Poke in the eye. Jericho hits Punk with the kendo stick and then does his Triangle Dropkick. Punk takes a nasty bump into the barricade. Jericho exposes the top turnbuckle. He then, uhhh...Beats Punk with the padding from the turnbuckle. What? Oooh, Jesus. Punk goes for the cornered High Knee but Jericho moves and Punk knees the top turnbuckle (not the one that was exposed) and goes flying out of the ring. Brutal. Jericho tears the protective padding off of the security barricade. He just hates protective padding. Jericho smacks Punk's head off the unprotected barricade and does some trash talking before getting slapped by Punk's sister. Jericho goes after her but Punk is all "LET HER GO, YOU BITCH!" and attacks Jericho, before tearing off the top of the commentary tables. He Powerslams Jericho through the hood of one of the announce tables, as it was leaned diagonally. Nice. Jericho reverses a Powerbomb attempt into a Back Body Drop and smashes Punk with the mini monitor and part of the hood from the announce table. Completely breaks the hood. Can't tell if this was a botch or not but Punk went for a springboard and slipped. Jericho had a kendo stick in hand and it looked like Punk might have seen it and intentionally tried to stop himself, hence making himself trip, but it could've been a botch. Either way, Punk gets beaten with a kendo stick. Jericho gets a beer. Uh oh. He pours it on Punk. Punk is now pissed. More kendo shots by Punk. Oooh, Punk does a kendo stick-assisted calf kick. Nice. Punk does his comeback moment. #HashtagWWEGamesAgain Punk goes for the GTS but Jericho reverses and goes for the Walls but then Punk reverses. Jericho runs at Punk, but Punk hits a Powerslam. Don't see him do that often. Punk sets up for the flying Elbow, but Jericho stops him. I briefly saw a sign featuring the most interesting man in the World where the top said "I don't always get ice cream". Couldn't read the bottom. :(Jericho goes for a Superplex but Punk fights out of it. Flying Elbow for a two count. Jericho goes for the Lionsault, but Punk stops him by reversing into an Electric Chair turning him into a Fireman's Carry, but Jericho jumps behind Punk and lands a Clothesline. Nice little series there. Jericho throws Punk into the steel chair that was set up in the corner of the ring way earlier that I completely forgot about and does a roll-up for a two count. Punk gets up and stumbles towards Jericho only for - BAH GAWD, CODEBREAKER! OUT OF NOWHERE! Jericho applies the Liontamer. Turns it into a regular Walls soon after. Punk gets to the ropes but there's no rope break. He reaches out of the ring and gets a fire extinguisher from under the ring and blows it into Jericho's face, no homo. Jericho tries to wipe his eyes clean on the referee's shirt, ha, and then he takes a fire extinguisher to the gut. Jericho rolls out of the ring and Punk follows, hitting him again with the extinguisher and then Roundhouse Kicking him onto the Spanish announce table. Diving Elbow off the top rope through the table. Bah Gawd, King! Punk rolls Jericho into the ring and pins him, but Jericho kicks out. Punk immediately applies the Anaconda Vice. Jericho repeatedly hits Punk with a kendo stick to get him to break the hold. Codebreaker with a chair off the skull. Bah Gawd! Punk kicks out! Even Bah Gawdier! Jericho sets up for the GTS, but Punk counters and catapults Jericho into the turnbuckle that was exposed earlier before hitting the GTS for the win. Excellent match. I feel they could've done even better, being who they are, but it was still very good.
Rating: 3.5 Stars
Eve tells Beth she can't compete tonight and tells Nikki she's still gonna defend the title. Her opponent is a mystery. Bah Gawd! Lawler, stop being creepy. Nikki doesn't want a massage from you. The Bellas cut a very...Drunk-sounding promo. And then Layla comes out. YO NAT ENUFF FO ME!
Nikki Bella vs. Layla"She's vicious! And malicious! And ambitious! And she does look delicious!" Shut the fuck up, Lawler. Some surprisingly fast-paced action happens. This is actually pretty dec--Oh, it's over. That Neckbreaker looked fucking vicious. Brie sold that like a boss. Yes, I mean Brie. They did the Bella switch during that tiny match.
1.5 Stars
More Johnny Ace = more happy Snoopy. Ace basically saying "Fuck your questions, Matt." Up next is the main event match, Cena vs. Lesnar. That moment when Brock busted Cena's lip. Jesus, that punch. Ha, back when Tensai was Lord Tensai. ARRRRRGH, CENSORS! CENSOOOOOOOOORS! Although, Brock cut a pretty good promo.
Brock Lesnar vs. John Cena - Extreme Rules MatchJesus, Lesnar just beating the fuck out of Cena. Jesus, Cena's already busted open near the top of his head. I'm surprised this got a PG rating before the PPV started. They show a replay and apparently it was an elbow shot that busted Cena open. Damn, Brock. Cena goes in for a tackle and gets taken down, himself, before Lesnar beats the shit out of him some more. Cena's bleeding pretty badly. Annnnnd Lil' Naitch dies. Cena did a Shoulder Block to Lesnar causing Lesnar to elbow the referee in the face. If ever there was a time for a referee to sell like death, it's when Lesnar's big ass elbow drills him in the face. God damn, Lesnar. He punches Cena in the open wound a couple of time, getting blood on his hands. He then wipes that blood on his own chest and then licks it. Lesnar gives no fuck about diseases. Brock applies a partial Kimura Lock, without the body scissors, and then slams Cena shoulder-first into the turnbuckle. Lesnar applies another partial Kimura Lock on the outside and then slams Cena shoulder-first into the barricade. Awwwwww sheeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiit, Lesnar got the steel chain and wrapped it around his hands. D'awww, he tossed it to the side. :(Oh wait, he picked it back up and used it to tie Cena's feet together. Lesnar hangs Cena from the steel post, upside down, with the chain still around his feet and then he exits the ring and starts punching Cena. He works on Cena's shoulder a bit more. Cena tries fighting, but Lesnar tosses him into the steel steps. How can Cena come back? na-ilLol, Lesnar just casually tossing Lil' Naitch back into the ring with one hand. Ha, poor Lil' Naitch. He gets hit by Cena's swinging feet when Lesnar landed an F5. A new ref comes out and Cena kicks out. Lesnar destroys new ref. :(Lesnar puts the bottom-half of the steel steps in the ring. Lesnar applies the Kimura Lock on top of the steps, applying it fully this time. HOLY SHIT, THE POWAH! NO ONE MAN SHOULD HAVE ALL THAT POWER! Cena lifts Brock up, while the hold is applied, with one arm, and slams him back-first into the steps to force the break. Cena misses the top rope Leg Drop. Lesnar is all "WHERE THE FUCK IS CENA?!" but he found him. Oooh, that sell when Lesnar missed the diving...Thing...And hit the top rope, flipping over to the outside. Cena got the steel chain wrapped around his hand. Lesnar tries the leaping thing again but Cena drills him with the chain. I'm not sure if Lesnar is bleeding or that's Cena's blood on his head, but I think the steel chain punch busted him open. Lesnar selling the injury like a boss. AA onto the steps and Lil' Naitch slowly counts the pin. Epic match. The storytelling was just amazing and I loved seeing all dat blood.
Rating: 4 Stars
Cena cuts a nice promo after the match to end the show. All-in-all, it was a pretty good show. I'd give the entire show 3 stars out of 5. Three really good-to-great matches, a few decent matches and a couple stinkers. Thank you all for tuning in to the first addition of Gopher Review. I'd actually like suggestions on PPVs to watch for future reviews. So suggest any WWE, ECW or WCW PPVs in the comments and I'll likely review them in the near future.
Subject: Gopher Review: WWE Extreme Rules (2012) 
... King of the Ring 97? 99? The one that had Mankind vs. Taker in Hell In A Cell, because I'd love your reaction to the fall.
