Literally no fans are ready for this shitfest to happen because there are no fans, but hell, TJ damn sure is and that’s all that matters. So onwards.
Blah Blah Blah Everyone has entered the ring. TJ is bewildered, or something.
DING DING DING
| Dean Richardson: “BAH GAWD! And here we go. The match nobody ever thought they would see because nobody wanted to see it, is finally upon us! Who do you think will win the contest, the other guy?”| the other guy: “Pikachu.”| Dean Richardson: “BAH GAWD fantastic point!”As TJ itches his ass, the two men in the ring run around for about five minutes for no apparent reason, but it’s some damn good running. DM and Nugget Man then lock up and DM decides to sell it like he’s Kevin Nash in 1999, slamming the mat and screaming out loud. He yells “AHHHH MY BACK, MY BACKKKKKKKKKKK!” and then immediately kips up; the comeback is on, as the two lock up again. The ref asks both men if they want to submit, to which they both yell “NOOOOOOO!”. The two jostle for position, with another five minutes passing, then both men fly through the ropes with neither willing to let go. Both men slam onto the floor hard, but because they are not bitches, they don’t sell it and get back to their feet still in the collar and elbow tie up.
| Dean Richardson: “BAH GAWD WHAT A MANEUVER!”| the other guy: “Lamp.”| Dean Richardson: “BAH GAWD you got that right, the other guy!”DM and NM are still in the hold and begin to shuffle around the ringside area, each determined that they will not let go of the hold. They slowly do a full lap of the entire ringside area, both men now sweating after this classic match. The two legends are now in front of the announce table. They grab each other’s head and both go smashing, face first, into the table. Both Michaels and Nugget do a full 360 flip, selling the table shot like fucking bosses.
TJ claps.
| Dean Richardson: “BAH GAWD VINTAGE ORTON!”| the other guy: “Roses are grey. Violets are grey. I’m a dog.”| Dean Richardson: “BAH GAWD BAH GAWD!”While the other guy begins to loudly bark on commentary, to the delight of Dean, both DM and NM slowly clamber to their feet. NM is the first to land a right fist to the face DM, who retaliates with one of his own. The two then trade punches for a full minute, sweat flying all over the face of Dean Richardson, who can be seen ringing out his tie into a bottle to sell on ebay or wherever the kids buy weird shit these days. Nugget Man gets the upper hand and Irish Whips Michaels into the ring steps, which literally weigh 1000 pounds because FACTS. Michaels screams in pain, as The Nugget Man basks in his glory and begins to look under the ring for a weapon. He pulls out a pair of jeans that are covered in peanut butter. He then raises them over his head and smashes them into the spine of Michaels, who screams out in sheer terror and begs for the Nugget Man to STAHP!!! The Nugget Man is a man possessed and refuses to stop the brutality, whipping DM with the jeans over and over again. Peanut Butter flies everywhere, the Nugget Man becoming a Beige and Nutty Mask!
| Dean Richardson: “BAH GAWD! HE’S GONNA’ KILL HIM! THE MAN HAS A PENIS! HAVE MERCY ON HIS SOUL!”| the other guy: “THE UNDERTAKER?!”TJ jumps up, looking at the tron for the arrival of The Undertaker!
THE UNDERTAKER….is not here. Michaels sits up and begs for The Nugget Man to stop, as he is worried he is going to develop a nut allergy. The Nugget Man grins at DM, shaking his head and then licks the jeans completely clean of the Peanut Butter. Michaels is disgusted, as the Nugget Man then goes to like it all off him! DM launches up to his feet and runs away, sliding under the ring. Jeans in mouth, the Nugget Man follows him under the ring. A few moments later, Michaels crawls out from the other side and has a super soaker in hand. TJ gives off a very audible “OHHHHHH!” as he likes Super Soakers...I don’t know if he does….well, he does now. It’s officially canon! Anyway, Michaels begins to pump that bad boy up, with glaring wide eyes, in an image straight out of a Razor Xtreme wet dream! Michaels jerks that soaker up real nice and puts himself in a stance, pointing down, ready for Nugget Man to appear. The Nugget Man then appears from under the ring. Michaels continues to jerk faster, with an evil smile across his face. NM gets to his feet and looks up….then BLAM! David Michaels comes all over Nugget Man’s face! The Super Soaker emptying a white liquid all over him!
| Dean Richardson: “BAH GAWD! MICHAELS IS COMING IN THE FACE OF THE NUGGET MAN!”| the other guy: “I'm blue da ba dee da ba daa
Da ba dee da ba daa, da ba dee da ba daa, da ba dee da ba daa
Da ba dee da ba daa, da ba dee da ba daa, da ba dee da ba daa
I'm blue da ba dee da ba daa
Da ba dee da ba daa, da ba dee da ba daa, da ba dee da ba daa
Da ba dee da ba daa, da ba dee da ba daa, da ba dee da ba daa”TJ begins to hum the song of ‘I'm Blue (da ba dee)’, bobbing his head.
Michaels begins to laugh, manically, thinking he has delivered the greatest shot in TJWWoW history. However, his plan is foiled, for The Nugget Man is a genius! He is wearing a protective mask and none of the white liquid hits his face. Then, slowly, a little window wiper moves from right to left, wiping the goo away to reveal the most evil smile TJ had ever seen! DM screams like a child and throws the Super Soaker high into the air and runs away, around the ring. The Nugget Man slowly pulls the face mask off, the rest of his body covered in the white goo and throws it away. Michaels rolls into the ring and trips on literally nothing, but it looks funny, so it happened. The Nugget Man, looking possessed, slowly slides into the ring totally not giving Michaels enough time to actually get up and manage to basically walk away, because this is taking a ridiculous amount of time….TENSION! Michaels waves his arms around begging for the Nugget Man to STAHP but he doesn’t. The Nugget Man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a giant ass whip...he has big pockets? I dunno’...anyway, he gives it a test crack and it makes that WAH PAH sound that Chandler was fucking correct around, you whores, before whipping Michaels on the chest! Michaels screams in agony!
| Dean Richardson: “BAH GAWD HE’S WHIPPING HIM LIKE A GOVERNMENT MULE!”| the other guy: “Today’s letter is the letter 6.”TJ holds up the letter 6.
Nugget Man whips the back of Michaels at least 20 times, before he decides to begin choking him with it in the corner. The Nugget Man then screams out, to David, at the top of his lungs “I AM THE REAL HARDCORE CHAMPION!”. Nugget Man continues to choke Michaels out with the whip, with the ref not paying any attention whatsoever as he is not paid enough to give a shit. Michaels slowly passes out and Nugget Man throws the whip away, raises his hands in the air and looks over at TJ.
TJ shakes his head. TJ doesn’t approve of choking. TJ never chokes.
The Nugget Man shrugs his shoulders and goes back outside, pulling a bucket of sand!
TJ goes wild. He loves sand.
Nugget Man gets back in the ring and starts to swing the bucket of sand around, losing about a quarter of it in the process. He then pulls open his pocket and pours the sand in...somehow...with just two hands? Whatever, it sounded awesome when I asked Ian to give me a random weapon, so fuck you. Michaels gets back to his feet and Nugget Man clunks the now empty bucket over his head. Michaels stumbles around, almost knocked out, before Nugget Man grabs a handful of the sand from his pocket and shoots it towards David’s face. Michaels, however, being the sly and sexy fox that he is, ducks out of the way. He shoots off to the ropes and flies through the air. As he does, NM gets another handful of sand and turns around, but Michaels Dropkicks it right into his own face! The sand goes flying through the air, as you can hear Abdelraskjdbfkshjdbfkjshdbfshjdfbweyuhfvwsdxnmc bwjsheEGDEAL82y347823y489234234man screaming in jubilation somewhere on the internet!
| Dean Richardson: “BAH GAWD THE SAND! HE’S GOT TO BE BLINDED!”| the other guy: “Carambola, also known as starfruit, is the fruit of Averrhoa carambola, a species of tree native to the Philippines, Indonesia, Malaysia, India, Bangladesh and Sri Lanka. The fruit is popular throughout Southeast Asia, the South Pacific and parts of East Asia.”| Dean Richardson: “BAH GAWD!”TJ likes fruit.
Michaels then kicks it into another gear, grabs the bucket and smashes it over the head of the Nugget Man not once, not twice, but thrice bitches...FUCKING...THRICE! Michaels then takes the bucket and kicks it into the crowd, trying to hit TJ with it. TJ, too busy typing at that very moment, is…
TJ is startled.
...and looks up. He sees the bucket miss him by a great margin, as it clunks to the ground. He then looks in the ring and sees DM pointing at him and yelling “I WILL GET YOU MOTHER FUCKER”.
TJ is unphased. He is almighty. TJ continues typing.
Michaels turns his attention back to NM, who has got back to his feet. Michaels hits a Tear Drop Suplex. Picks him up. Michaels hits a Shin breaker followed by a leg-hook Saito Suplex. He picks him up. Michaels hits a Piledriver. Picks him up. Michaels hits a DDT. Picks him up. Michaels hits a Belly-to-Belly Suplex. Picks him up. Michaels hits a Leg Feed Enzuigiri. Picks him up. Michaels hits a Inverted Atomic Drop. Picks him up. Michaels hits a Swinging Neckbreaker. Michaels hits a Falcon Arrow. Pins him.
………………………………………………………………...1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
…………………………………………………………………………………………...2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….KICK OUT!
| Dean Richardson: “BACH GAWD NO ONE KICKS OUT OF THE FALCON ARROW!”| the other guy: “I AM THE BATMAN”Michaels can’t believe it. Actually, he can. Everyone fucking kicks out of the Falcon Arrow unless it’s applied by Hikaru Shida because SHIDA IS GOD. Anyway...he picks him up. Michaels hits a Ally Oop Facebuster. He picks him up. Michaels hits a Hurricanrana followed by repeated punches. He picks him up. Michaels hits a Tilt-a-Whirl Headscissors. He picks him up. Michaels hits a Running Crossbody. He picks him up. Michaels hits a Top Rope Moonsault. He picks him up. Michaels hits a Top Rope Splash. He picks him up. Michaels hits a Running DDT. He picks him up. Michaels hits a Top Rope, Springboard and Running Clotheslines...FUCKING ALL OF THEM. He picks him up. Michaels hits a Slingshot Crossbody. He picks him up. Michaels hits a Top Rope Leaping DDT. He picks him up. Michaels hits a Slingshot Suplex. He picks him up. Michaels hits a Flying forearm smash followed by a kip-up. He picks him up. Michaels hits a Deja Vu (Spinning Headscissors into a DDT). He picks him up. Michaels hits a Vertical Suplex into a Neckbreaker. He picks him up. Michaels hits a Fameasser. He picks him up. Michaels hits a Heartbreaker (Codebreaker). He picks him up. Michaels hits a Backstabber. He picks him up. Michaels hits a Skin the Cat. He picks him up. Michaels hits a Top Rope Elbow Drop. He picks him up. Michaels hits a STS: Shattered Teeth Symphony (Sweet Chin Music). He picks him up. Michaels hits a Emerald Fusion. He...DOESN’T pick him up! Michaels laughs in glory, as the Nugget Man just took Michaels’ entire moveset in mere seconds! The Nugget Man looks down for the count, as he lays on the canvas, out of it! Michaels then drops down to his knees and hooks the far leg. The ref, eventually, remembers he is part of this match and makes the count.
…….KICK OUT!!!!
| Dean Richardson: “BAH GAWD HE KICKED OUT BEFORE ONE!!”| the other guy: “At least he won the respect category.”Michaels looks at the ref and can’t believe it, begging him to change his mind. The ref motions that he will do so for money. Michaels checks the pockets on his tights, but then remembers they don’t have any pockets. Suddenly, he is turned around and The Nugget Man smashes a flat screen TV over the head of David! Glass and electronics go flying all over the ring, TJ now up to his feet in shock and ore! Michaels slams to the mat, as The Nugget Man then gets the remains of the TV and places it on top of him. He leaps to the top rope like a cruiserweight and then leps off, rotating in the air and hits a 1,400 Splash!
TJ goes wild.
The Nugget Man goes for the cover.
…..1...2...SHOULDER UP!
Michaels gets the shoulder up! The Nugget Man can’t believe it, but pulls Michaels up and does like 40 moves of his own. Use your imagination. Flippy shit or something. Someone was set on fire backstage, WCW had a comeback for a week, Nugget Man won five WWE Slammy Awards and then does an RKO OUTTA NOWHERE! Michaels then reverses some move by doing something and as he does, he accidentally elbows the Nugget Man in the face. The Nugget Man rolls around in absolute agony, as he is busted wide open and the match is stopped for five minutes. Some dude from the back comes out with a dirty towel and luke warm water, because TJ forgot to bring medics to the show. Michaels is back up to his feet and starts apologising to The Nugget Man, who has lost about 40 gallons of blood or something, I don’t know, do I look like a fucking doctor? Fuck sake.
| Dean Richardson: “BAH GAWD THE BLOOD!”| the other guy: “it’s christian 
”It’s not Christian.
TJ is upset.
Nugget Man appears to not stop bleeding and has probably lost another 100 gallons of blood by now...maybe...Michaels gets bored of waiting as I’ve had enough of writing this now. He grabs the bucket of luke warm water and pours it on The Nugget Man. Nugget Man leaps up and takes a giant bump from the top turnbuckle. Michaels goes out to the crowd area and walks over to TJ. The two lock eyes, the tension can be cut with a knife. Michaels is face to face with the man that created his mortal enemy. Michaels can feel his blood rise. He slowly cocks...ha, cocks...his fist and begins to raise up behind him, ready to strike the son of a bitch that has ruined his life for ten years. But then, Michaels stops. Not frozen in time, like a certain Pirate became earlier on in the show...can I call this a show? The fuck is this...but almost like he is confused. Like, he can longer function because he isn’t being given any orders. Then, suddenly, another figure walks into shot. He’s about six foot, hasn’t had his hair cut since February, has zero fashion sense as he’s dressed in a DX T-Shirt and jeans and looks ‘really British’. He pulls out a second chair and folds it out, placing it next to TJ. The figure sits down, revealing himself to be...Chilly!
| Dean Richardson: “BAH GAWD IT’S CHILLY!”| the other guy: “ok even this is too fucked up for my schtick. Fuck this.”| Dean Richardson: “BAH GAWD”While the other guy simply fades away like he was in Avengers: Endgame, Chilly takes his seat next to TJ and looks at him, smiling. TJ is kinda’ confused, but happy to see his British/Venezuelan pal. Chilly puts his right arm around his American amigo and says “can I borrow this?” in regards to his laptop. TJ, bewildered as fuck, nods and hands it to him. Chilly then thanks himm, closes it shit and then hands it to David Michaels, who is still acting like he has lost his brain. Chilly then pulls out his own laptop, opens it and begins typing. Suddenly Michaels bursts into life, looking at the laptop, and a sick smile comes across his face. He looks at TJ once more, pointing at him, before turning back to the ring and running over the barricade. The Nugget Man has finally got back to his feet, as Michaels slides into the ring. Michaels leaps into the air and smashes the laptop over the skull of the Nugget Man, the laptop splitting in half!
| Dean Richardson: “BAH GAWD BAH GAWD BAH GAWD!”| the other guy: “*says something in snappening*”Michaels then looks around, seeing TJ and Chilly clap him on, before picking up the keyboard part of the laptop. He then runs the ropes, as Nugget Man gets to his feet, tosses the keyboard to him and NM catches it. Michaels then side steps in and Superkicks the broken keyboard directly into the nuts of the Nugget Man, because Nugget Man can’t catch properly and nearly dropped it. So nut shot it was. Nugget Man is down. Michaels is down. Michaels takes a full minute to crawl about 5 inches, before putting his arm over NM’s chest.
…..1…...2………..3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DING DING DING
| Dean Richardson: “BAH GAWD THE WINNER OF THE MATCH AND THE NEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW REAL HARDCORE TJWWOW CHAMPIONNNNNNNNNN…..DAVIDDDDDDDDDDDDD MICHAELSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!”The ref then raises the hand of Michaels, who can’t believe it! Michaels starts to cry and manages to achieve the greatest moment of his career. The belt is dropped down into the ring from the ceiling, Michaels doing a movie style flip and catching that shit like Chuck fucking Norris. He raises the belt above his head, as the ref raises his arms before fucking off because he hasn’t been paid. Michaels’ music plays over the PA system, as Chilly applauds from the crowd. The Nugget Man is seen by that random dude again, who pours more of that awful water on him. David walks to the corner and lifts the title belt up for everyone to see.
TJ is not bewildered.
Chilly is sexy.
The end.
Money please
(hopefully...I’m broke lmfao)
Subject: Hardcore Title: The Nugget Man vs. David Michaels 
