Singles (12:28)
Sheamus vs Randy Orton
** 3/4
What an awful pick for a show opener. Perhaps they thought the crowd would hype themselves and they needed to start with a natural downer, but they were wrong. The crowd was largely silent for the majority of the matches. It was almost like watching a NJPW show, except you could tell they weren't silent out of respect. There was nothing that stood out as "bad" but the match moved along at a snail's pace and asked the crowd to really bite on heat for Sheamus and they never did. Perhaps that's what happens when you treat heels and Money in the Bank holders like they're invincible. Sheamus picked up the win on a well executed sequence.
Fatal Four Way Tag Team Match | WWE Tag Team Championships (11:20)
Los Matadores vs New Day vs Lucha Dragons vs Prime Time Players(C)
**1/4
This match got a loud "This is awesome" chant. This match was not awesome. Botchamania could do an episode on this match alone. Kofi was out of position twice and half of Los Matadores nearly botched the finish. Big E looked like a star throughout and Xavier Woods is nothing short of excellent on the outside. They got heat on Darren and had Titus get shine and the crowd ate it up. It was a very sloppy match where a few guys stood out but all of them tried very hard.
Singles (11:50)
Dolph Ziggler (With Lana) vs Rusev (With Summer Rae)
** 1/2
Dolph never really got the fans hooked in as well as he usually does and the match was hurt for it. Nothing stood out aside from the boring finish, but the angle post-match is sure to draw some interest from female fans and obviously they're moving forward with this toward Night of Champions.
Tag Team (7:35)
Stephen Amell and Neville vs Stardust and King Barrett
** 1/2
Stephen Amell might be the best celebrity performer in WWE history. He looked like he spent more than five minutes preparing for the match. His selling was "off" but he's not supposed to be a wrestler so it could have been intentional. The got the heat on Amell and Neville made the come back. Strong booking that promoted the right guy.
Triple Threat | WWE Intercontinental Championship (5:33)
Miz vs Big Show vs Ryback(C)
* 1/2
They didn't get much time and they tried to make everyone look good. It didn't work. Ryback got the win stealing a pin from Big Show, a great way to make your returning babyface look strong.
By the way, in the pre-show, Byron Saxton suggested that Ryback wasn't fully healed from his staph infection. I guarantee CM Punk's lawyers loved hearing that.
Tag Team (10:55)
Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose vs Bray Wyatt and Luke Harper
** 3/4
It's the worst match I've ever seen involving these four guys and it was still pretty good. The transparent booking making Roman seem like the only star in the match killed the match for the crowd. The crowd was solidly behind Dean Ambrose until they seen how the match started unfolding, and then they just kind of didn't care any more.
Singles | Title vs Title (19:44)
John Cena(C) vs Seth Rollins(C)
*** 1/2
Funny enough, the elite athlete and worker Seth Rollins had a match that didn't stack up at all with the Cena/Owens series. John pulled out all of his moves but he seemed to be less than emotionally invested. Rollins was far more professional to my untrained eye as far as effort goes. Perhaps John didn't like the planned finish?
Triple Threat Tag Team Elimination Match (15:20)
Team Bella vs Team BAD vs Team PCB
***
Sasha Banks is the best female wrestling talent perhaps on earth and she's Naomi's side kick. Fucking awesome. Not ONE FUCKING PERSON could follow her and Bailey at any show under the WWE umbrella. Not ONE FUCKING PERSON could follow Sasha Banks' lead. At least she wasn't the loser that got pinned. I can't be angry about them ruining Sasha every week. At some point I just will have to accept that being good at wrestling doesn't matter.
Anyway, team BAD was the first group out and then they did another 8 minutes with the Bellas and PCB. That would be awesome, normally, because Naomi and Tamina are two of the worst 3 in the storyline.... but then Nikki tagged in Brie who worked far more than she should have. Nikki looked strong, Charlotte looked strong, and Becky picked up the win. It was fine but there are hundreds of ways it could have been better, especially considering they got fifteen fucking minutes. Fifteen minutes of exposure and Charlotte and Becky got about 45 combined seconds to shine.
Singles (14:18)
Kevin Owens vs Cesaro
***
The crowd was largely emotionally vacant here. Cesaro tried to hulk up at one point to hook the crowd because they just weren't biting. Was it a case where the fans didn't know who to root for? Or simply Brock and Taker was too much looming?
This match was the match they picked out at the beginning of the show to cut time from to "fit" the show in. It shows a tremendous amount of faith in those two as workers to get their shit in in whatever time is left for them, but it also means they weren't a high priority.
The match was fine. You've seen fifty better matches for both guys. Again, the problem with both is that they're both offensively inclined. This is a BIG problem for Cesaro, a babyface, who should be selling and making comebacks... but it fits Owens perfectly. I'm guessing he won because of the loss to Balor and Cesaro will probably get his momentum back with a US Title win or something menial.
Singles (17:50)
Brock Lesnar vs The Undertaker
*** 1/2
The story-telling was strong. Undertaker could illustrate for the blind. Lesnar did his stuff and Taker made it work. The crowd never got hooked in because, unfortunately, Undertaker has destroyed the non-finish part of his matches with the finish prostitution over the last five years at Wrestlemania, conditioning the crowd to only care about the near falls that might actually be the finish.
With that said, and I can't say enough good thing about both guys or about Paul Heyman.... that finish was pitched to all three of those guys and it got through them all. How? That was stupid. I'm no more or less interested in a rematch than I was before.
---
Five Big Winners:1. The Undertaker!At 50, that guy can still work. He told a phenomenal story and even though he's winding down clearly, I was so happy to see him prove the fucking morons wrong that thought he was "done." Yall got FUCKING WORKED. He's still GREAT.
2. Stephen Amell & NevilleAmell secured his place in the WWE Celebrity Wing Hall of Fame with a fantastic performance. If he wasn't such a successful actor, a future in WWE wouldn't be out of the question. Outside of Roman Reigns, Neville was the top babyface that got a clean win with some shine. Neville was great as always.
3. The New Day!An excellent night for Big E and Xavier Woods mostly makes up for a rare off night from Kofi Kingston. They deserve the tag belts. I'm not opposed to them getting a singles title in the mix as well. This is a great wrestling act.
4. Kevin Owens! The guy in the most high-profile match that actually got a clean win. He's working as the #2 heel on the tour and that's a great spot for Mr. Wrestling.
5. Cosmic King Barrett! He's off the pre-show and got a spot earmarked for Miz. Winning.
Five Big Losers:1. The agents!These finishes really sucked. Count out wins don't matter in the first place and they feel far more satisfying. Was it really important these two drew? The four way tag match was a cluster fuck. Miz, Show, and Ryback tried WAY too much. The women were good overall but could have been much crisper and the time could have been used more effectively. The finish for the two co-main events were fucking embarrassing.
2. John Cena!His title match with Rollins could have been a brilliant starting point to a storyline that culminated in him winning his 16th, and heck, it still might be... but Cena played second fiddle tonight to a celebrity so Vince could get national media attention and hope for a spike of ratings on Raw... for some reason. Tonight wasn't about Cena's chase and it wasn't about putting over Seth Rollins... and that feels very wrong.
3. Bray Wyatt!Remember when we thought he was going to be a top heel? Me too. Well they spent months hyping up to this match and while I admit the feud certainly isn't over, Bray certainly doesn't look like a guy they see main event talent in.
4. Cesaro!They have faith in him as a performer, but their refusal to put him over here shows they're still all in on Roman Reigns and fear investing too much in potential competition for Roman. The match with Owens lacked a sense of purpose in the first place. They seem to not care about the grass-roots attempt to get him through the gate.
5. Sasha Banks!Best womens talent possibly on earth, possibly of all time... have a match that Undertaker and Brock couldn't follow... that Rollins and Cena couldn't follow... and still come out to Naomi's theme. You're 23, so you're still young and naive enough to think being the best will matter. It doesn't.