Turd Ferguson: "Despite GPS being a thing, not everybody can get to the studio to give an interview to the live crowd. My theory on that is: People are getting stuck on the island from that show on ABC. Anyway, some of the people that get lost on the way to the studio send in tapes to advertise what they might do if they figure out how to get to the studio! Isn't that novel. This is one of those times. Get ready for the newest member of the TJWWOW roster, as picked by our overlord TJ, Fucked Up Foster.

A camera, apparently on a tri-pod, looks at a slight downward angle into a freshly mowed ditch. Looking haggard, Fucked Up Foster strolls on screen from the left and looks off in the distance, seemingly at nothing at all. Showing off his complete lack of talent, he stares at the camera awkwardly despite this being a pre-tape.

Fucked Up Foster: "To all the people out there that sometimes get bullied, let me tell you something. Kids walk by here sometimes while I'm asleep and knock on my forehead, yelling "Ding Dong Lives in a Ditch" and running away. Those damn kids. I don't live in a ditch. I do sleep here sometimes, but that's just because I get blackout drunk and sometimes forget where I am. As the fucking legend I am, I stand before you with a promise. Every child or midget that crosses my path in TJ's Wild World of Wrestling is going to be on the losing end of the match!"

Someone off screen says something to our hero, but it's unclear what it was.

Fucked Up Foster: "You heard me right, I am going to teach everyone under five foot tall a lesson in respect! I have earned my reputation as fearless and tough and everybody knows that. What they might not know is that I earned my GED. That's right, motherfucker, I'm educated. None of the kids that I'm going to beat can say that. Maybe some of the midgets. I don't know their life stories. I know my life story. The story of the drunk rebel! Speaking of which, I need a drink, so I better cut this off soon. TJ, your world is about to be changed forever. You have all your stuff how you like it, but fuck this shit, I'm gonna come in and change the game."

Fucked Up Foster grits his teeth and takes a few heavy breaths in. He punches himself as hard as he can right in the eye. He cries out in pain, but resists the urge to grab his eye. He turns to the side and does a flip, landing back first in the ditch. He whales in pain as the feed goes back to the studio.

Turd Ferguson: "Fucked Up Foster has vowed to change the game, but I think his doctor ought to change his medication."

This is so damn hilarious. My favorite line was when he said he earned his GED and said he's educated.

That fucking self harm into the ditch lmao